Helping Your Child Navigate The Change That Comes With Divorce

Divorce is an adjustment period for everyone. As an adult, you’re more familiar with the intimate details of separating from your partner. Your child needs your guidance to navigate through this new stage in your family’s life. Here are some tips for making this transition thoughtfully with your child.

Let them feel their feelings

Let your child know they can be honest with you about their feelings during this difficult time. Be patient and actively listen. Sometimes children have a hard time expressing themselves, so it might take some time. Don’t pressure them to be happy in the immediate aftermath. This is a huge change for them—suddenly they have two separate homes, two separate schedules, and their parents may even be seeing new people. It’s normal for them to be angry and frustrated, so be sure to make space for those emotions. Always reiterate that the divorce is not their fault.

Keep calm in front of them

Model healthy emotional behavior for your child. Distress, anger, shame, and guilt are feelings that shouldn’t be transplanted onto them. When you show them you’re calm and confident in your decision to separate from their other parent, you’re reassuring them that it’s the right choice for everyone. If you’re in control of your emotions, they’re less likely to stress.

Be civil with your ex

One of the cardinal rules of divorcing with children is to never vent to your child about the other parent. When you speak negatively about your ex, you’re asking your child to choose between you and their other parent. They might even feel they’re being manipulated and poisoned against the other parent. Remember: a person can be a bad partner but still a good mother or father. Cooperate and compromise with your ex on parenting decisions and schedules. Be polite during handoffs and other face-to-face interactions.

Stick to a routine

Chaos is detrimental to a child’s growth and development. In the case of divorce, where their entire world is being upended, stability is most important. Kids feel safer when there’s a daily routine: leaving for school at the same time, dinner is always followed by bath time, weekends are for trips to the museum and park. Work with your ex on creating similar routines between your homes, so that when you come to a custody agreement, your kid has a sense of stability.

Make time for extended family

Bringing your kid to grandma and grandpa’s house, or scheduling playdates with cousins, will help them still feel a family bond. Ensuring that they still have fun activities with your (and your ex’s) family will reassure them that not every dynamic in their world is changing.

Pay attention to their behavior

Because children can have trouble expressing their emotions verbally, watch out for unhealthy or distressed behavior. Notice if they have trouble focusing, if they’re acting out for attention, or self-isolating from friends and loved ones. These can indicate they’re taking the divorce pretty hard.

Encourage them to talk to someone

Coping with divorce means going through a grieving process. It’s sometimes best to navigate that with a mental health professional. If your child doesn’t seem to be adjusting to life after your divorce, it’s time to seek a child therapist. They’ll help your kid work through feelings of anger, guilt, shame, frustration, and sadness.

Remember, you might be going through similar issues. Therapy can help you process your divorce and navigate how best to work with your child through it. It’s important to take care of yourself, too.

To find out more about how child therapy can help you and your family cope with divorce, please reach out to us.